hisheartsdesire | [ic] Contact

He doesn't know about us now, [ Dorian responded, a little bit relieved. ] He might know who you are though, I can't remember. I might have told him about us back when we were together and I thought you were...

[ well, when he knew Toby was dead. Before he went back home, before Gwen and her tarot cards. Dorian isn't a hundred percent sure what he told Yuri. He would have told the man anything to try and coax him in and bring him closer. ]

What happens now is I just need you to stay safe. I can't lose you ag—to him. [ he can't lose Toby again. That's what he was about to say. But Dorian thankfully stops himself in time, stops himself from saying that, Toby's probably still beating himself up about what happened with Drew and the last thing Dorian wants to do right now, to this man he absolutely adores is be callous. ]

[Ah, yes. Toby knew he'd disappointed Dorian again. He remembers how, back at home, he'd tried to pin the blame on Dorian for letting him die, when the reality was that he'd chosen it himself. After putting Dorian through that, Toby now has the audacity to cover up for not just one of his killers, but both of them. Dorian had said he'd be there for Toby, that he always would be, but how could that be if Toby wouldn't let him? All he ever does is hurt Dorian, and yet people believe that between them, Dorian is the worse one.

Slowly, quietly, he nods.]

I see. So you want to hide me from him—no, you want to hide us from him.

I don't want to hide us! [ Because he loved Toby, that much was obvious, it was apparent, it was practically common knowledge at this point. There was no need to hide it and Dorian didn't want to hide it. ] Just...certain aspects of us. I doubt Yuri will be forgiving of your nature in his judgement of "sinners."

[ Toby killed people. He didn't know he'd have to do that when he chose not to die, but they really couldn't ignore the fact that Toby had killed. He killed people in order to survive but he still killed people. How could Toby fit into Yuri's morality? He could see past the vampirism to see someone so beautiful, so kind, so lovely, but Dorian honestly didn't know if Yuri would do the same. ]

[Dorian's outburst pushes Toby to fight the loop of self-loathing, but it is far from easy. Still, he processes Dorian's words and realizes this really about his vampirism, about the things he's done in both this world and their home one.]

Then what am I to do? I've tried hiding it, and how many people know now?

[Kanaya, Abduxel, Drew, Sasha, Laurie, Elsa, Marceline, Chilton, Kitty, Lucifer... The fledglings, and possibly that Jeff guy who has his own show or whatever. Toby doesn't know much about him aside from that one conversation they'd had.]

All it would take to condemn me is for any one of them to breathe a single word to him...

[He shakes his head; everything feels hopeless.]

I don't know! [ Dorian responded, obviously confused, obviously exasperated, obviously stressed. Because really, he didn't know what to do. He's in over his head and it shows. Because really, what's to stop Yuri from sneaking into their apartment and killing Toby as he slept? Dorian was safe (for now), his portrait hidden away, but Toby...Toby was the main priority. ]

I don't think that anyone would willingly sell you out. I mean, you're not me. You haven't pissed people off to the point of violence and you certainly don't gloat in it. I just...I don't know.

[ And that was what was killing him the most. The fact that he had absolutely no idea how to deal with this, what to do, how to keep Toby safe no matter what. ]

Maybe, but did you forget that Kanaya took the fledgling from us? She still disapproves. Sasha and Laurie drove me out, you know that. Marceline is hardly impressed, I hardly understand what she really wanted when confronting me. And then, Drew—

[Toby feels a sting in his heart, it's not unlike betrayal, and he fights his stupid feelings because he'd rather Drew not make good on his threat to kill him again.]

... I can't believe I actually thought I had feelings for him, because he's made himself perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I was so stupid.

[If only he'd trusted Dorian, believed him about the hostage situation. None of this would've happened...

He sighs and is really struggling to regain sense and composure.]

Whatever. Any of them may have reason enough, and then what? I might as well give myself over, I'll come back anyway...

If Marceline gives you shit, tell me. We're on good enough terms, I can try to win her over a bit. [ The same with Sasha and Laurie, though Dorian's not telling Toby that. He's also not telling Toby that he's deliberately trying to get on better terms with Sasha and Laurie in some vain attempt of trying to get the three of them to mend their friendship.

But yeah, Drew. Fuck Drew.

It's when Dorian hears that last statement that he can't help but frown, eyes narrowing as he looks over at Toby. He loved Toby so much, saw nothing but the beauty in him, and yet time and time again all Toby saw was the dark and ugly. ] Tell me, do you like dying?

—No. [His answer comes quick because it's true, he doesn't want to die, he never wants to die. And then he catches himself.]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just... don't know anymore.

[Feeling hapless, Toby drops his gaze to the floor. Still sitting up in bed, he now pulls his knees to his chest and hugs himself. It's clear he's struggling to be all right, and that he just wants things to be normal... or as normal as they have been, for this world.]

Though you know... if he dies, I'll probably feel it. And if I do, then he will.

[A beat.] Oh... God, I just. Can't think straight anymore, this is ridiculous. I've gone straight from a monster to an abomination.

Good! You don't like dying, I don't like it when you die, so we're going to try our damnedest to find out some way to keep Petrov off your tail so you won't die.

[ said as if it's the most obvious thing in the world because, at least to Dorian, it is. He likes Toby alive. Ergo, he will try his hardest to keep Toby alive. He doesn't know entirely how to do that, just that it needs to be done.

As Toby pulls his knees to his chest, Dorian walks over towards the bed and hops on it, sitting right next to Toby. ]

I don't know why you say things like that. You've never been a monster to me.

[ if anything, the true abomination in their relationship was Dorian. After all, it was his portrait that attacked them both. ]

[After taking a deep breath, Toby turns to look at Dorian before releasing his knees and leaning against the other man. He already feels so tired from his chaotic emotions, even though he'd only just woke up.]

I might've mentioned before, but you're still the most amazing person I've ever met. You know that, right?

[Carefully, he undoes the buttons on Dorian's shirt, starting from the top, until Dorian's collarbone is exposed. Then, he trails soft kisses against Dorian's soft, exposed skin.]

Something tells me... that your idea of hiding me... means you're going to do something stupid. [A beat—feelings of anger and hatred swell within him.

But Toby beats them back because this is Dorian, this is his Dorian Gray. The way Dorian's here and wants to protect him, it's suddenly so much easier to push aside the hatred and anger that Drew and the wolf have for him. Or for both him and Dorian, perhaps. It's hard to tell, though Toby's quite certain they're more angry with him, really.] But I promised to trust you from now on, so... that's what I'll do.

[Hopefully he won't be disappointed. Not this time; never again.]

Edited 2015-11-04 18:25 (UTC)

[ His current idea of hiding Toby is to make himself a target/try to keep worm his way back into Yuri's life so that Yuri's focused on him and not other people (suuuuuch as Toby). That's gonna start with visiting Yuri. So yeah. Dorian's going to do something stupid. ]

When do I ever do anything stupid to begin with? [ said in an obviously teasing tone as Toby kisses his collarbone. Yeah, no, Dorian knows he's the king of doing stupid things, he knows this about himself, he is 100% aware of this fact. But again, there is no way he's going to let Toby get hurt, Toby's already died too many times for this to happen again. ]

Thank you, though. And if anything happens, you'll be the first to know.

[ He's sure as hell not gonna have a repeat of that hostage situation. ]

[When Dorian teases about doing stupid things, Toby chuckles against him. Ah, Dorian... How very like him. Which is why Toby can't help worrying and wondering what Dorian's plan is. Sure, Dorian's saying he doesn't know what Toby should do; that doesn't mean he's not planning on doing something himself.

At any rate, Toby combats Drew's anger and hatred and rejection of everything that Toby is... by loving Dorian all the more, by giving himself a reason to exist, by reminding himself that even if the whole world rejects him, he is Dorian's heart's desire. Without that, Toby really has nothing left, as far as he's concerned.

Humming against Dorian,] Thank you... I love you, Dorian... More than anything... or anyone...

[Toby doesn't know that he could live without Dorian. Not anymore. Any and all thoughts of starting a new life without Dorian died when Drew cursed him with this bond.]

I love you too, [ Dorian murmured, bringing himself closer to Toby, pulling himself closer to the vampire. And how he did. He adored Toby, body and soul. He knew they couldn't stay like this, close and together, just in this position with each man so close to the other forever...but they could damn well stay there as long as possible.

Looking over at Toby, Dorian leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips..which then proceeded to be a bit less gentle as Dorian's tongue attempted to force it's way between Toby's teeth. ]

[At this point, Toby is more than happy to accept any kiss from Dorian, gentle or otherwise. He shifts, lowering his knees and bringing a hand up behind Dorian's head to hold him close. His teeth part, his tongue moving to meet Dorian's, wrestling with it. He gives in to Dorian, gives himself up completely because Dorian wants him more than he wants himself, between his own feelings and Drew's abject hatred.

This hadn't been the best way to wake up, but it can be, now.]

[ Hey, sucking face totally makes up for waking up to the news that 'you know my murderous ex, yeah he's back in town.' Dorian knows that Toby's probably still struggling with headaches or whatever that bond Drew had vaguely described to him was. However...Dorian also knew that as cliche and maudlin as it sounded, he truly loved Toby. And that love brought him back to life and also kind of helped bring his portrait back to life so hey, maybe love can steamroller through this werewolf bullshit. Dorian doesn't know. But Dorian's certainly going to try.

After a moment or two, Dorian pulls away, still smiling at Toby ]

I love you so much that even if you turn into some bizarre werewolf vampire thing and get hair in strange places, I won't care. [ he's pure teasing as shown by the grin on his face (after all, Toby's not gonna turn into a bizarre werewolf vampire thing, right? Right). Dorian moves down the bed slightly, pulling back covers so Toby's bare chest is revealed. Leaning down, he starts to kiss it, working his way up Toby's stomach back towards his lips, speaking in between moments where he leans down to kiss the other man. ]

I'll just say [ kiss ] that this is my Toby [ another kiss ] and it's your loss if you can't see what a beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous man he is.

[When Dorian pulls away, Toby is left slightly breathless and longing, and he almost chases after him to just make out some more. His half-lidded eyes shine with lust and need when he glances at Dorian and focuses on his smile.

God, I had better not get hair in strange places. [He manages a laugh before gasping when Dorian pulls away the covers to expose him. His mind is filled with so much rage and hatred, hurt and bitterness, and Toby almost wants to cry but struggles to concentrate only on Dorian.

Dorian, who wants him. Dorian, who presses his soft lips against Toby's cool skin. Dorian, who owns him and adores him even though he's a monster. His breathing slows as Dorian trails kisses up his body, teasing his bare skin, slowly and deliberately arousing him. There are no words to express how much he loves and wants and needs Dorian now.]

Oh, Dorian... [He sighs, his hand goes to Dorian's hair and combs it through his fingers, following along with Dorian until he reaches Toby's lips again.]

[ When Dorian reaches Toby's lips, he kisses again, this time a bit more passionately, tongue once again working his way into Toby's mouth. Dorian steadies himself with both hands on the bed, holding himself up as he moves his body so he's on top of Toby's.

He continues making out with Toby, his Toby, his wonderful Toby who Dorian couldn't see any traces of monster in, no matter what Toby thought or believed. Even now, now that he shared something with Drew, something that Dorian should be a little jealous about, all he could see was his flawless Toby. ]

[It's only through their stupid bond that Toby now knows he and Drew have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Their feelings might bleed into each other and influence one another, but they share nothing at all. Perhaps there wasn't anything from the very beginning, and they'd only been fooling themselves into believing there was.

Toby kisses right back with equal fervour, allowing Dorian to have what he wants. His hands move to strip away Dorian's shirt, and Toby readies himself to lie back as Dorian hovers over him.]

[ Dorian lets Toby strip away his shirt as he leans down on the man, continuing to kiss him, tongue working its way through the man's mouth, Dorian just having a ball.

He presses himself down, closer to Toby, one hand moving from supporting himself to running his fingers through the other man's hair. ]

[Feeling tears welling up as he fights Drew's ire and indignation, Toby slides his eyes shut before moaning into Dorian's mouth. No, he won't let go of Dorian, he won't let himself get swept in the flood of Drew's feelings, he has to hold on... And so, he turns to his senses because through them, he should know what's real, here and now.

The crisp fabric of Dorian's shirt as he tugs it away. Dorian's tongue, probing and tasting him in a passionate kiss. The hand that lovingly combs its fingers through his hair.

A tear or two or three escape, softly rolling down Toby's face, and he worries that Dorian might think he doesn't want this. So his hands go to Dorian's back and pull him closer as they lie down, and his thighs splay so Dorian can settle against him.]

[ Dorian helps slither out of his shirt as Toby tugs it away, still running his fingers through Toby's hair as they kiss more and more passionately, as Dorian lets Toby pull himself closer to the other man. He can't help but notice the tears and is honestly confused for a moment. What? Was something wrong? Was it that werewolf thing? Dorian's so wrapped up in Toby, so dead-set on doing whatever it takes to make Toby happy, that he'd be willing to stop if the vampire wanted him to.

So Toby pulling him closer is definitely not stopping.

The hand that isn't in Toby's hair moves down to Toby's thigh, rubbing and squeezing it. But Dorian...he just doesn't know what to do with his face. Well, kissing, yeah, he's got that, but what the hell should he do with his eyes? He alternates between looking into Toby's eyes and closing them for a moment or two. Those tears threw him off his game more than he wanted to admit and, for once in his life, Dorian doesn't really know what he should do about this. ]

[Sensing Dorian's hesitation, Toby opens his eyes and just...]

I'm sorry, I...

[Pulling his hands away, wipes the tears from his face. Despite telling himself not to, he sniffles; then, feeling ashamed for destroying the mood, he slips away from Dorian, unable to face him.]

I know. I know, I've ruined everything... [He seethes.] This... stupid bond.

[Then he hides his face in his hands, wanting to disappear.]

This isn't your fault, [ Dorian says, as if it's obvious. No, right now, Dorian's blaming himself for this, blaming himself for not knowing what to do. Christ, he helped make Toby cry.

He's not the worst boyfriend ever but Dorian's kind of feeling that way right now. ]

You didn't choose that bond. You didn't choose for Drew to attack you. So please stop blaming yourself for something that you didn't choose.

[ no, in Dorian's mind, none of this was Toby's fault. It just 110% was all Drew. ]

If there's not a way to get rid of it, I'll adjust to this eventually. We both will.

[No, he didn't choose this, didn't ask for it any more than he'd asked to become a vampire. But if only he had trusted Dorian, if only he'd been more patient and enduring until he could have an explanation... then none of this would've happened. While Drew hates having anything to do with Toby to begin with, Toby doesn't feel nearly as bitter about everything that happened since the start. No, he knows exactly where he'd made his fatal mistakes; he just didn't know how irreparable the damage was.

This really is the worst way to have woken up. A pack bond ringing between his ears, another one of Dorian's exes, and a hurt-comfort moment gone terribly wrong.]

I hope so. Sooner rather than later...

[It's going to be a terribly long evening.]

[ it's just a massive pit of self-loathing with these two because god, this is all his fault. Granted, he couldn't change the fact that Toby was killed (and is still PRETTY PISSY ABOUT THAT, thanks werewolf), but the only reason Toby went to Drew in the first place was because Dorian was boneheaded enough to let Kaplan kiss him and boneheaded enough not to tell Toby what happened moments after it happened.

Dorian moved himself so that he was laying next to Toby, as one hand still idly continued to play with the vampires hair. ]

If you want, I can try to look into some solutions. I know there are some people here with magic, maybe they could help? I wouldn't tell them specifics of course, but if there's...I don't know, something just to dull that bond, it might be worth it.

[ because he wants to fix this. He wants his Toby back. ]

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inb4 finding out Drew outed Toby as a vampire

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bug me if he's not shirtless and I'll edit the tag right away. c:

like he should be wearing anything at all xD shirtless is good; anything else, they can remove later

aw yeeeeeeeeah

but dorian was wearing clothes, right? i would think he might've been, lmk if i need to edit, haha

he would, yup!

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