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Whatever she thinks probably doesn't matter.

[Commence sulking passive aggression.]

None of them should; I don't know why I let any of them matter to begin with.

[Also, his pent-up frustrations are starting to surface.]

Whatever—look, I'm sorry she bothered you. She's right, it's my fault. I was being stupid.

[And it's easier to just take all the blame nowadays, as if maybe he'll desensitize to the hurt and pain again. But both he and Dorian already know where that path leads...]

[ None of them should? Well that's not good. ]

She didn't bother me. [ kind of the truth. If anything, Dorian bothered here more. ] And you say she doesn't matter, but you're obviously annoyed about all this.

[He sighs.]

I met her shortly after arriving, before I'd even known that you were here, too. We became fast friends, and I soon was calling on her every so often. Because, I'm sure you've noticed, it's like she's out of time and place in so many ways. She's sweet and kind, and can light up the darkness. Literally.

[Though the truth is Toby had, in fact, also thought he and Lucy might become closer than friends. But he doesn't want to mention that to Dorian.]

Anyway, I eventually decided to tell her about us; I thought I was ready to let her know. Because I thought perhaps she might misconstrue my intentions when I know, with certainty, that she and I are friends. Even though we had quickly become close, the point still stands—we're friends. And... I don't know, things went wrong somewhere. Might have been that I was so surprised to discover she'd already met you; said the wrong thing, and kept doing so following that.

[Then, he shakes his head.]

I wronged her. I was cruel and unfair to her when she's only ever treated me gently. I deserve to be pushed away like this. And so, I shouldn't see her again; it's for the better.

[Besides, Dorian. I have you, he tries to rationalize.]

Edited 2015-09-09 05:45 (UTC)

[ Sweet, kind, out of time and place. God, no wonder the two of them got along wonderfully. Minus the light part, and (in Dorian's mind) Toby was describing himself as well. ]

I suppose part of this is my fault. Lucy and I met at the swear-in before last and...didn't really get along quite well. [ Dorian was an ass. ] Had I known the two of you were close, I either would have been a bit nicer or ignored her entirely.

[ but this conversation isn't about him, it's not about him at all, Dorian just felt that Toby needed to know a bit about why Lucy might think ill of him. ]

You're allowed to be happy, you know. If you wronged her, the least you can do is give it a day or so, then apologize and try to make-up.

—There's no point; better off letting her think whatever she likes. Talking about it hardly ever changes anyone's mind anyway.

[Like Kanaya. And Sasha. And Laurie—even though Sasha said they'd understand. But no, none of them understand. Even Lucy, who is endlessly wonderful and kind, likely isn't much different from the rest.

Dorian makes him happy. ~~And often enough, Drew does, too.~~]

It only wastes people's time. And breath.

[ Toby may believe that. But Dorian, the person who was stubborn enough to hang around Toby until the man acknowledged his existence, does not believe that. Dorian's strategy of mending friendships that aren't broken beyond repair is 'badger them until they give in.' And, from his limited pool of reference, this isn't beyond repair. ]

If it makes you happy, it's not a waste of time.

[He glances at Dorian and studies his expression before letting out a tired huff. They've had this argument before; perhaps not the exact same one, but certainly one very much like it. Though Toby's perspective had initially been positive when he first arrived, the consequences of siring fledglings and the fear gas and being driven from his home have all since worn him down. So now, where he might've tried to be more like Dorian in seeing beauty and light around him, all he sees are decay and darkness. Right now, Dorian is his only solace; what will Toby accomplish by arguing with him, too?

When he answers, his tone is tired, and his words are quick and rambling.]

I don't know—what makes me happy and what doesn't, what is or isn't a waste of time, who else should even matter anymore... I really don't know anymore, Dorian. So. I'm going to seek professional help.

[Which probably is for the better to avoid a repeat of what happened in the eighties.]

[ It's a double-edged sword. Because Dorian knows that Toby's had a rough past few months. The swear-in, Laurie and Sasha, and now his spat with Lucy...it's enough to make anyone think of getting professional help, especially someone with a history like Toby's. On one hand, he's all for Toby doing whatever it takes to get better. They both know what could happen if Toby was steeped in darkness and regret for too long.

But on the other hand...God, how Dorian had mixed feelings about Frederick Chilton. He honestly didn't know what to make of the man, which annoyed Dorian immensely. His kingdom for another imPort psychiatrist. ]

From Chilton, right? [ of course from Chilton. Why on earth would they willingly go see someone normal? ] If you feel this is best for you, I'm behind you all the way.

[ just while also trying to keep as many eyes on Chilton as he possibly can ]

Yeah, Doctor Chilton. Nine in the evening, this Thursday.

[Hardly any point keeping that from him now, especially since Toby feels plenty damaged as things are. Moving on from the problems he knows he can't talk about with Dorian to having Dorian worry about who he confides in feels far better. More so that Dorian has relented, supporting Toby in spite of having reservations.]

Oh, I've started taking classes in Heropa on Wednesdays, by the way. Just... thought I'd let you know.

[For no particular reason that he knows of, but more likely because he just wants to feel loved and cared for, rather than think of the same old problems that have come back to haunt them.]

Classes for what? [ because classes? What kind of classes is he talking about? It's partly taking an interest in Toby's hobbies, partly to change the conversation away from Chilton before Dorian ends up inadvertently stepping in it again, but also partly because wait, what classes? ]

Art, actually. In a variety of different mediums.

[Here, Toby tries to seem as excited and happy about it as he initially had been, but the fire's gone out of him for now.]

If you know Clary Fray— [Though he's pretty sure Dorian does, much like everyone else by now.] —then I'll have you know she was the one who'd invited me to go with her, even going through the trouble of finding one that they offer at night...

[ Clary Fray...there's a moment where he frowns, trying to put the name to the face, then he lights up with recognition. ] We've talked before, once or twice. I don't really know her, though.

[ He's just making her a fake ID. Still, as Toby's trying to seem excited and happy, Dorian's trying as well. Partly because hey, he actually IS excited and happy about this (Toby's out doing stuff and making friends!) but he also just wants to try and perk Toby up a little bit. ] Still, those classes sound wonderful. I bet you'll have a grand time.

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